I don’t need fixing.

I joined a gym recently.

I joined a gym to have another sanctuary. I joined for the yoga, the spinning, the treadmills. I joined for the steam room.

But along with all of those things that I love comes an unsolicited gym mindset: a mindset of numbers, and max reps, and what the scale says.

With my new shiny membership, I was given two free personal training sessions. I had the first one this past week. The trainer, who was friendly and sweet, took some measurements. My hips. My waist. Weight. Body fat percentage.

And then she proceeded to tell me.

She told me how in just a few weeks I can lower my body fat by two percent. Just a few weeks, that’s all it would take to fix me!

And with those words and that measuring tape, it all came rushing back.

There was a time in my life where I lived and died by numbers. By how many squats I could do in a minute. By how fast I could row a 2k. By how much I could bench press.

But these numbers are not why I joined a gym.

I do not need fixing.

I am whole.


And I’ll tell you what…it took me too long to believe those words. It took too many tears and hugs and leaps of faith for me to forget them now.

Yet somedays I do forget. I let images and the scale determine my self worth.

Those are hard days.


Everyday, we get to choose what we believe. Everyday we get to decide if we’ll listen to our inner critic, the voice that says that we are not enough, that we are broken, that we need fixing.


We can listen to a voice of compassion. We can listen to the voice that says, “There you are! I’ve been waiting for you. I’ve been waiting to tell you how whole and wonderful you are, how whole and wonderful you’ve always been.”

The choice is ours.

But today, I choose to believe that I don’t need fixing. I choose to believe that I am enough.


Back in the game

I registered to the Mammoth Half Marathon.

I bought a new pair of running tights.

I joined a gym.

I made a God damn acai bowl for breakfast!

photo 1

…I feel like I am back in the game.

I was in a running rut for ehh…well since December 2012. Small mileage soothed my every woe. But a visit to St. Louis last week lit a fire under my ass. I felt reminded of the joy that training brings me and knew that it was time to dig in. So my sister and I signed up for a half, and all feels right in running world again.

Oh, and here’s the recipe for a yummy acai bowl:

Modified from Sambazon

What you need:

2 packets of Sambazon frozen acai

1/2 cup unsweetened almond milk

1/2 cup granola

1 banana

Put the acai and almond milk in the blender and blend until smooth! Pour into a bowl. Top with granola and sliced banana. Enjoy!!




this is my sanctuary

Something has happened to me in my twenties.

Somewhat of a spiritual crisis.

It seems like with all of the financial worry, and  questioning, and the general feelings of confusion…I’ve forgotten how to drag myself to a place that feels safe, warm and fuzzy. Instead, I’ll be singing along to the Black Keys on a Monday morning on my way to work and suddenly feel swept away with pangs of fear or confusion. “Man, I’ll try to go to a service on Saturday,” I’ll think. “Maybe that will help.”

But then Friday comes. And thoughts of Saturday morning services are put to the back of my mind because…what’s that, would I like another margarita? Yes, please.

This week, however, I found little santuaries when I could. I ran at a track. I sat in a steam room. I read for 10 minutes, parked in my car.

do small things

I found little destinations for peace, knowing in the back of my mind that when I’m ready, a synagogue will be waiting. But for now, my car, the track, the steam room….this is my sanctuary.

Handstands for the 20~something

“We’re going to work on inversions for a bit,” my yoga teacher said. “Not because standing on your hands will change your life, but because it’s fun.”

Ain’t that the truth.


A few weeks ago I sent a whiny email to my best friend. I told her about feeling lost and confused. Asking her, “Is this normal??” She told me what all of us 20~somethings know deep down. Of course it’s normal. Of course there are days you just want to be 10 again. Of course you want to blow off work sometimes. Of course you want to backpack through Europe, but your 20~something bank account is lookin’ a little glum.

“You need to flip your perspective,” my BFF told me. “You need human connection.”

So I did. I went to Nashville for the pure love of country music and my cousin. I went to my first Lakers game with the boy. I ran on a different path.  I did more handstands.

Some of these changes in perspective were more expensive than others. Some took planning and others were spur of the moment. But they all took me out of head. The questions and career planning and worrying about “what I’m really meant to do” just faded away.

In yoga, we do inversions to change our perspective. Why? Because it’s fun to change your perspective. Going upside down isn’t about being perfect or competing. It’s about switching it up, having fun, and letting go! And can I tell you what? That in turn will change your life.

Let’s talk about sugar (again)

Remember this post? All of my kicking and screaming over sugar? Well I thought we could check in once more about my little sugar addiction.


Since the summer, I’ve been slowly weening myself off of the ice cream and cookies (tear). Instead of a regular occurrence, they have become what their meant to be: a treat. And don’t get me wrong, some weeks are better than others. Sometimes I just need to go get frozen yogurt and there is no way around it. But more often than not right now, I’m saying no to the cheesecake in the staff room and it feels pretty damn good.

Here are a few tricks that have helped me…

1. Tea. When I’m craving something sweet at night, a cup of tea really helps. It’s soothing and pretty soon I’m like “Chocolate who?”

2. Getting off of coffee. In all honesty, this was really hard. And I still drink coffee about once a week. But  the caffeine was making me anxious and sending me into sugar benders. Right now, black tea is workin’ wonders during the day. Then it’s chamomile at night.

3. Finding the “sweetness” in other things. Sometimes when I get home from work, my first instinct is to eat something sweet. But if I can slow down in that moment, I may find that I’m trying to self soothe and there are other ways to do that! Hello a nice hot bath. Hello a walk. Hello calling my family. Those things are pretty sweet too.

4. Coco-Roons. So when the craving just won’t quit, I reach for these buddies. Instead of cane sugar, these guys are sweetened with pure maple syrup. Super delish.


Where’d You Go, Bernadette?

When your best friend of 10 years tells you to read a book, you read it.

Over the holidays my best friend and Emily had a week long best friend party in St. Louis. I live in LA, she lives in China. So when we get to see each other, it feels like the world pauses just for us.

Emily and I back in the day

Emily and I back in the day

And in between all of the running, Indian buffets, and music video watching, Emily recommended this book to me.


“I missed the characters when it was over! Read slowly.” she warned me. “Savor it!”

Oh.em.gee. I loved this book. Where’d You Go, Bernadette is like a delicious little treat. I would come home after work, pour myself a glass of wine, and dive right in.

This book should be next on your list. No excuses.